Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.

I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.

Just a friendly reminder folks.

Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.

In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.

[choosing a daycare: first child]

Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?

Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?

[choosing a daycare: second child]

Wife: do you have any openings?

Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?

Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’

*popular kid is struggling in class

*gets a tutor to help

*Kool-Aid

Boeing astronauts this morning trying to book a return trip with Uber

I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.

A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.

What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?

How funny!

When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom

I’m not alone. I have ants.

I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.

I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.

“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee

“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts

Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra

When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.

My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.

I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.

I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.

I got tricked into going for a 10 mile hike for a waterfall that ended up being 2 feet tall. Don’t talk to me.

This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like

I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.

Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.

The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.

From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”

I’d like to formally apologize to everyone I’ve ever mocked for leaving their holiday lights up all year. You were visionaries, and I am now your disciple.

Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.