When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
You Might Also Like
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?
Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.
Oompa Loompa: We need a union…
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”