When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
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my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
Sorry. Not sorry
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
Get in loser we’re going crying
Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
Lie during your job interview because they’re lying to you about their great work environment
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces