When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
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I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?