Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Email from my mom: What’s my email address?

Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.

Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake

Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.

*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy

When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.

We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.

Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.

I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.

My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get

Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.

ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*

“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.

0/10 stars, would not recommend.”

– Super Mario Bros. Online review

Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.

My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”

I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me

I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.

Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.

“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”

~History

11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?

When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”

Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code

Dog: [taps paw]

Me: what did it say?

Scientist: “woof”

I dumbed there ONE time and now this.

Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat

Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.

Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?

Some people are hope, some people are nope.

Choose wisely.

Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.

Good news! I only ate one slice of pizza. Bad news: I did that four times in a row.

I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.

My attitude hurts, I’m going to bed

Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”

Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.

Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.