When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
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Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
not feeling fergalicious today, actually feeling pretty fergasgusting rn
I missed you with all my darts
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???