Please show up 15 minutes early to your appointment at 8, so your blood pressure can be elevated from anger when we finally take it at 9.
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
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Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
me: goodnight moon 🙂
me: goodnight stars 🙂
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
“Any minute now. Any minute…” -Lincoln Logs, waiting for a phone call from Hollywood
Hello couchness my old friend
I’ve come to sleep on you again
Because a wife softly seething
Hates the fact that I’m breathing
You’re the reason I wake up everyday. Just kidding I have a job.
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭