@JeffMyspace

When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.

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@EddieHarris216

Please show up 15 minutes early to your appointment at 8, so your blood pressure can be elevated from anger when we finally take it at 9.
– Doctors

@neiltyson

Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.

@flashember

DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A

DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it

@professorkiosk

me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby

them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby

me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster

@jonnysun

me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me

@rolldiggity

“Any minute now. Any minute…” -Lincoln Logs, waiting for a phone call from Hollywood

@Jack_C44

Hello couchness my old friend
I’ve come to sleep on you again
Because a wife softly seething
Hates the fact that I’m breathing

@Just_BCS

You’re the reason I wake up everyday. Just kidding I have a job.

@JohnLyonTweets

The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.

Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”

@Lxnndo

divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭