Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school

My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze

I think my cats hate people as much as I do.

Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.

What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
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Ghoulash.

And…

…am I doing this joke thing right?

I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.

No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.

‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’

–Me, every 45 minutes

Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.

handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening

me: *nodding* ghosts

handyman: …this screw is loose

me: ah.

handyman:

me:

handyman:

me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?

[training the new person at work]

Them: so you do this everyday?

Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes

[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]

Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—

Real mother: get out.

[credits roll]

You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.

Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”

Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone

A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.

So many pants.
So little yoga.

I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see

FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that

If my kids invented a drink.

Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent

ARE YOU READY FOR TACOOO TUESDAAYYYY?

— my kid on a Saturday

ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock

WIFE: A WHAT?

ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous

DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*

The Blob: Bakery Beginning!

Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.

I thought you were going to take my taco.

[looking for our lost son in the mall]

ME: we should split up and find him

WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*

Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness

“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.

*hires sky writer*

I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.

New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.

Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9

Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @

Me: DAMMIT

I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.