Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.

There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly

My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.

My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough

Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.

THE DOG😭😭💀

Cop 1: There’s been another murder

Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging

Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus

I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.

Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.

Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?

me: do you have spaghetti?

mcdonalds cashier: …no

me: would you like some?

“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”

-me, drunk, walking into a wall

Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.

“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”

– Kids

i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system

So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.

HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.

[chair elevated to highest position]

Me: That’s just ridiculous.

Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber

I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.

I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.

me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard

Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.

It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.

For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.

When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.

“So sorry” -Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” -Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” -Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” -Apologise to me

(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.

Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”

Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling

Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder

My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.

That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.

*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*

Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open

Me: No problem