When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
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I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
🙋♀️
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
I’m like a potato because I’m:
-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
Today sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar
I just took my car ibuprofen into the house and I can hear future me cussing so loud.
My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
A small tragedy.
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
“So you walk, then walk some more. Sometimes there’s hills. Oh yeah and you have to say hi to absolutely everyone you see or else.” – Person that invented hiking
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
My 3yo was so excited to go to his first yard sale! He had $1 to spend on a toy and carefully chose a large plastic shark head. I was relieved it wasn’t something messy! When we got home we discovered it was actually a toy carrier and there were THIRTY miniature sharks inside. 😑
If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.