When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again
[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*
Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
meow
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
I’m a hiring manager with a team of nine. Two are called Tom. I recently interviewed a candidate for my team. He was almost perfect but I can’t hire him because he is also called Tom and two Tom’s are enough.
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
Hank is one in a melon.
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
