When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
NORMALIZE WORKPLACE HAMMOCKS
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
Tampons should yell “OH YEAH” in the Kool Aid man’s voice when they’re full
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
can’t get enough of this specific type of Olympic event. happy to hear arguments for others
There’s a woman at the bar who is cheering the debate at unpredictable intervals and I was completely unable to figure out her politics until we realized she’s playing bingo
7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
[How the rap feud started]
Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?
2pac: sure, no biggie
Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
