When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.
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Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
dating apps never work for me because i need at least two years of friendship charged with weird sexual tension to even consider falling in love
[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”
[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?
Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.