When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
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*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
today my coworker unknowingly told Zooey Deschanel that she “looks like Zooey Deschanel but older” ⚰️
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
This guy is full of crap
-my colonoscopy doctor realizing that I didn’t do the pre-procedure cleanse
Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?
I lost him to addiction.
Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?
Yes please.
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
*my cat, who has 3 different beds and a cat tree* I must sleep on the clothes you have laid out for the day
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
“Office worker” stock photos are scary. Anyone grinning ear-to-ear at a PowerPoint presentation probably has an ex-boyfriend in her freezer.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.