Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!

Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.

So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.

*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”

doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news

me: omg, me too

Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.

My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?

[at a mattress store]

sales assistant: what size are you looking for?

me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do

Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner

Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day

I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod

Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!

Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?

AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”

M: 😏

AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?

[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?

“Can someone call me a doctor?!”

You’re a doctor.

“Please I’m losing my patience!”

You’re a terrible doctor.

TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*

Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.

in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground

If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.

Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.

Robots are now performing major surgeries, which means my dream of having the Fox NFL robot give me a prostate exam is closer than ever.

I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.

I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.

But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.

Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.

I found myself sitting beside the doctor who delivered me 42 years ago so I asked “do you remember me?” and he looked at me all serious and replied “it’s hard to tell when you’re wearing clothes”

*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”

What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope

“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”

8: momma why didn’t you swim?

Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.

8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.

{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers

Me: Now do you believe me?

Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.

Me: Then who made all that ice?

Wife: *walks away*

Me: WHO?!

Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy

I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.

Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.

my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket

me: oh no

my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time

me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands