Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I don’t do politics.”

Politics will do you, my brother and sister. Politics will do you like mad.

I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.

Genie: ok, this is your last wish

Me: Could you speak up a bit?

Genie: YOU IDIOT!

Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.

I was downtown today on the sidewalk screaming at a plastic bag I thought was a ghost and then I saw you see me and then you crossed the street and now I need to tell you in person I know it wasn’t a ghost so when you hear tapping at your backdoor tonight just come out please.

they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding

there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them

my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend

My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken

Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?

Me: Huh?

Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.

Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.

Morning my dudes.

Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”

Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match

My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004

I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.

Like how I slid in “anal”?

Like how I said “slid in anal”?

Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it

Cop: license and registration.

Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.

Cop: where is it?

Me: I have absolutely no idea.

If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.

I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone

You: “I’m only 35, I have my whole life ahead of me.”

Sports Broadcaster: “Here comes the oldest player in the league. He’s 32. A miracle.”

I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.

A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it

My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day

If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.

i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name

“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15

if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab

i’m sick of blessings in disguise. i am ready for a blessing with absolutely no disguise whatsoever

After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.