When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
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Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?
Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.
Me: <send>
Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —
Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
“Its swimsuit season” I whisper, eating another swimsuit
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
My gf wouldn’t see the last Batman movie with me until we’d had our eighth restaurant date
Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Batman
if I’m ever found dead in the woods, it’s probably because I was trying to pet a bear.
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
(Putting groceries away, my 7yr old starts shaking the root beer I’d bought with all her might)
Me: STOP! What are you doing?
7: Someone told me if you don’t shake it, it’ll explode when you open it.
Me: Honey, either you misunderstood or that person doesn’t like you very much.
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.