When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
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I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.