When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
You Might Also Like
Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
sistine chapel
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
termite twitter scares me
Bye, have a great day. I’ll see you after school, I tell the orange in my kid’s lunch
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
me 2 months after i graduated
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot