When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
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We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
this was very charming
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
re there other nogs or do we only have the egg one?
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
What is the HOA going to do about the noisy kids who keep coming in my house and demanding dinner and calling me mom
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]