When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
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When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
I ran 5 miles this morning. That bee was huge!
make up your mind
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[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?
Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
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I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that