Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee

– book #1 of parent series

telling myself i’m too self aware for therapy as i repeat a pattern of behavior i’ve been trying to break since age 14

If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”

Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?

For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.

Hate it when i pull out a winter coat and there’s no money or drugs stashed in it

Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice

THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.

“Wrong house guys.”

ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?

“Yup, happens a lot.”

OKAY COOL, SORRY.

i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later

Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?

Parenthood. It’s for you

I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road

Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?

ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands

WIFE: At the same time

THERAPIST: In sync?

TOGETHER: *screams*

Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.

They should make a tanning bed that constantly rolls you over like a gas station hotdog.

WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]

[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*

I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.

If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.

When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.

My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself

Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.

hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know

[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.

Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’

Asked my 9 yo how his day went and he responded with, “well, it started off just like any other Wednesday…”

[at lunch with friend]

Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.

Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?

Friend: Exactly *winks*

we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us

I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.

Best gender moment of the day is my professor normally calls on students by pointing to them and saying “lady” or “gentleman”. When he got to me, his face spasmed in confusion and then he said “you”

Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.