when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
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My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”
Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”
Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”
Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”
Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
i wish all
whales
a very
big
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
Guilty! 🤪
forgive me baja for i have blast
I’m at the gym and I just saw someone put their water bottle in the Pringles holder on the treadmill.
Day 1: [Stranded on an island] Is this where it ends for me?
Day 2: Ok, I need to get to know this place
Day 3: I’ve spotted what appears to be monkeys.
Day 4: Omg I’ve just seen a person
Day 5: Ok, this is a zoo.
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text