when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
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date offered me her hot tub and started cutting up carrots into it after i got in
am i cooked
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
Wife: this is why I don’t take you shopping
Me: [hiding in the middle of a department store clothes rack] try to find me
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
I used to do hundreds of press-ups a day when I was a lift attendant.
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
I found a doctor online and I was happy because I could sign up for an appointment without contacting anybody. Since 3:15pm yesterday, I have received 13 contacts from them for today’s appointment.
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isn’t any more.
Partner: One of us?
Me: I wasn’t going to mention names because that won’t solve anything.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
If Goldilocks was part of the Marvel Universe, The Three Bears would be her porridgin story.
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.