Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie

Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?

Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.

Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.

There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus

There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.

Found out the hard way the bottle of wine in my parents’ fridge was load-bearing

i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset

There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.

you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant

I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.

Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.

*alien probing me

Me: Ok a little to the left

Alien: I SAID STOP THAT

Everytime I spend $20 I think this is fine because I won’t do it again. And then would u believe

Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.

I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.

*smashes car through your living room*

Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?

I’m not calling anyone daddy unless I’m asking for money for the mall.

I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.

Her: is the game almost over?

Me: this is just the first half

Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?

Me: you’re pretty

the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish

HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!

Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.

[Me as a boxing commentator]

ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time

putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup

if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia

The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.

When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.

You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?

Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes