when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
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Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
*seductively corrects your posture*
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
i think both sides are to blame here
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
Haha! 😂
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
Why is it spelled “camouflage” and not “ “
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment