When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
You Might Also Like
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.