When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
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Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
I asked the waitress for a quickie and she slapped me. The old woman next to me said, “It’s pronounced ‘quiche’, dear.”
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
I never put a pair of socks together when I put them out to dry, because I think it’s nice for them to socialise with other socks & have some time apart. They’ll appreciate each other more when they’re back together.
Sometimes I think working from home may be affecting my brain.
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…