When I was in elementary school, a boy told me he liked me right before smashing his pb&j in my face, and I have been chasing that high ever since
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[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
God: welcome to heaven, you will spend eternity visiting with your loved ones
Me: I was told there would be sleep
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
I have this condition that means I have to vacuum my house daily.
Friend: Oh, OCD?
Me: Children.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
My plans: 2020:
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.