When I was in elementary school, I won first place in three years of science fairs. When my daughter was in elementary school, I also won first place in three science fairs.
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cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let鈥檚 just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
i鈥檇 imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
i鈥檓 very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
Where鈥檚 the lie? 馃ぃ馃ぃ
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
Spell check is for lasers.
wife: what鈥檇 you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
my mother smoked while she was pregnant with me so i’m like basically bbq
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality