When I was in elementary school, I won first place in three years of science fairs. When my daughter was in elementary school, I also won first place in three science fairs.
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*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
Me: I am a goddess. I was born for greatness. I will paint these shutters myself.
Me halfway up a 20-foot ladder: I am a land mammal. I was born with gravity. I will pay someone else to paint these shutters.
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
ruining the Olympics for my fiancée by, every time they mention Paris, saying, “that’s where ratatouille lived”
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
Been trying to eat healthier. Saw this sign and was just like “damn. I sure do.”
I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.