when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
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“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
God: you’re a seabird.
Puffin: can I fly?
God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?
Puffin: oh good.
God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?
Puffin: I know right? lol.
Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
Today I learned that ostriches sometimes walk around and then they forget where they are going. Today I also learned that the ostrich is my spirit animal
Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now
How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
What do you call a sheep covered in chocolate?
A candy baa
#DadJoke
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…