when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
You Might Also Like
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
sitting eating at a picnic table in a park that shares a fence with the middle school yard and this lady comes out says “shouldn’t you be in class?” and i’m confused and just freeze and she goes “come on. to the office”
and i just go “…. i’m 20…” and she went RED😭😭😭
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️
When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
I had a weird smell once…
A rodent crawled up under my car and got into the heat/air unit and died there.
I was trying to use my AC and blowing dead animal air at myself.
You know how long it takes to get rid of hot dead rotting rat smell?
3 months. Three
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.
Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
Saying “3 twins” is wild.