When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.
You Might Also Like
So the neighbor just came by & my daughter asked if she liked the cookies. My neighbor said, “I sure did! I ate them for breakfast.” My daughter slowly turned her head & looked back at me in disbelief, realizing for the first time that adults can eat whatever the f*** they want.
Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
Brat summer over. Time for Farfalle Fall.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG
ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale
WIFE: Oh thank God
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
I love the National Park Service.
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister