When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.
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Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
Blew my mind.
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
My purse is deeper than some people.
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.