When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.
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Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
A Brady Bunch prequel, but it’s a dark Netflix series about what really happened to Mike and Carol’s first spouses.
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
They’re stuck in your pants?
January 1st: anything is possible
January 2nd: but not today
Two words have helped me open a lot of doors in my life. Push and Pull.
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.
GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.
ANGEL:
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”
[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.