My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
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I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.