@elle91

When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.

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@wolfpupy

at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations

@Karate_Horse

Be careful out there guys. just met a girl, Kylie, and she told me her and her friends are so random…that could mean anything be safe ok

@mdob11

Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.

@alexlumaga

When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos

@skickwriter

Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…

Me: YES!

@CountDankulaTV

The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.

Why is no one talking about this?

@Home_Halfway

BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.

@bombsydoll

*sees guy having a heart attack*
me: quick somebody push a cookie in his mouth!
person: isn’t that for diabetics?
me: it’s what I would want

@SequelsWeWant

The Conjuring 3:

Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.

The kids torment them back.

They’re better at it.

The spirits flee.