when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
So now I’m told that when cats bring in dead mice, they aren’t “trophies”, but a critique on your own ability to hunt and feed yourself. Which is a bit rich from an an animal that gives it the big leg rub when it fancies a pouch of salmon & herring, the grifting whiskery pricks.
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
Just caught a glimpse of myself in a shop window and realised I’ve got my trousers on upside down 🤦🏻♂️
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
Nothing infuriates me more than when I’m on my phone and something wants me to scan a QR code. With what Jan? With. What.
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
BETRAYAL
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
A closed mouth gathers no fries.
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
