when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
Ripped a tag off my leggings and did not realize it was load-bearing
#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
I’ve decided to stop telling dad jokes for the new year, I know they are…
Much Much You You You You Handle Handle.
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
Happy birthday to actor Sam Elliot, who turns 80 today, and to his mustache, who turns 79.
I thought I liked the style of the clothes on Temu, but then when I got them I realized I just liked the perfectly tan skin and soft beach waves of the models, and those were missing from my order
“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
Airport police say that the number of people smuggling helium balloons in their luggage is under control.
But cases continue to rise.
[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
