when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
I went from rags to one rag.
Excuse me sir, are you going to finish that existential crisis?
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
this is funnier than any friends episode
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
If the government wants me to work so bad then they should give me a job at the unemployment office
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
The first 7 days of the week aren’t for me
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
