Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”

Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?

Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor

[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer

“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”

One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”

i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t

[first time skydiving]

me: oh no my charcuterie board

Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “

Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”

December birthdays be like…

Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵

From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵

Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!

Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.

Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.

If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.

Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss

My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.

Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.

I need a headline like this

Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now

“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds

Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.

For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.

“Unprecedented times” at this point would be if something nice happened like we all got a coupon for a free sandwich

Podiatrists don’t use metric.

They only deal with feet.

This will teach them to underestimate me

*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into

Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?

“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.

I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?

When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.