Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.

Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.

Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.

I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.

[highspeed chase]

ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*

[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]

Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.

coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?

Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.

Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.

Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.

Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today

relationship goals

How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted

Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management

A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away

App: This app would like to use your location.

Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!

a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin

Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious

*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.

You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.

Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.

My documentary ‘I Have Stolen All Your Chairs’ just received a 90 minute standing ovation at Cannes

*knuckle tats*

M A Y O N N A I S E

I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit

Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.

After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.

The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.

[teaching my boyfriend cards]

ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse

HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*

Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles

Why do we have to label everything? Idk… call me your emotional support bounce house for all i care