Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework

Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?

Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.

ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*

Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.

According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.

It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…

Nobody:

5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?

“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.

Passenger announcement: This is for a Mr Torris off the Barcelona flight, a Mr Clee Torris. I’m trying to find a Clee Torris. If anyone knows where a Clee Torris is, please let me knoCOLIN YOU BAST…

College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days

Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.

Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?

Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week

Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday

“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”

*flirty giggle* “ok…”

“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”

[Sunday morning]

*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*

– mass unfollowing

Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™

you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.

I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.

I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.

Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse

well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.

HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling

If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy

Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.

I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.

TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.

Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.

As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.

FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!

ME: This reminds me of a time

FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*

do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.

If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.

It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…

Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good