When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
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[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
jesus, what did this guy do
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
Same post same
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.