Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?

indiana??? now they’re just making up states

Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?

Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really

Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please

King Solomon: *sweating*

New friend- What do you do for a living?

Me- Disappoint my family.

When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.

And by “younger” I mean yesterday.

Ladies,

When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.

One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?

My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband

We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.

Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw

Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.

A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse

I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.

one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on

Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.

my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”

Wait, there’s a big difference.

Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?

I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.

Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.

*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*

FLOWER: What’s that?

BEE: I can explain

F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian

For Valentine’s Day, I’m gift-wrapping a shirt my husband hasn’t worn in years. It’s the thought that counts—and technically, I thought of it twice.

You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?

A nap.

(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)

(Or naps.)

Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.

1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*

– Freezer Inspector –

“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.

For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.

It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.

if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle

Just show up everyday and be consistent.

Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.