Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”

“What’s that Sarge?”

“Someone’s building a pig.”

Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’

Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.

I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.

I always feel a bit out of the loop when people talk about “life-changing experiences”, because they always cite their kids being born, watching the sun rise over Kilimanjaro or finding god, and I just sit there thinking “I started using naan breads to dip in my soup this year”.

She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.

Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building

[first day as a doctor]

patient: how bad is it

me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope

9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?

Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.

Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*

When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.

Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya

Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired

A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.

’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.

me: “it hurts when i pee”

doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”

I threw up my hands in disgust last night.

Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.

Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need

Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.

I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*

Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly

Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!

Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.

“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.

*Sees couple arguing in store*

*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*

1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”

2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”

My chess strategy is eating one of your pieces every time you look away.

Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.

[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?

Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.

Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.