When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
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The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
“I want to leave my children in a better place.” sounds so much more positive than, “man abandons children at Disney World.”
Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
god: rabbits
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
god: porcupines
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.
I have no passwords left in me
sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me
(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.