When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
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NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.
Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
I just discovered that a serving of Oreos contains 8% of your daily iron needs, since most women don’t get enough iron it would be irresponsible not to eat several servings a day, you’re welcome ladies
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.