When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
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The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
I try not to tweet when I’m happy…because I respect you guys and what we do here.
Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Him:
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.