When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
You Might Also Like
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
Cinematography is my passion
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
Me: You’re my favorite kid.
My kid: My favorite adult is Santa
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
NSFW tweet
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Unionize your workplace
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
My neighbors started fighting and I can hear everything, so yes my life has a meaning again
They say women only use 10% of their anger
My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?