Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.

I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.

Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document

Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.

“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid

I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.

Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.

At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.

11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”

Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.

You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.

Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”

Love bombing?

I’ve never even been love water ballooned

My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.

If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.

*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*

i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all

(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
Why

Did

You

Unfollow

Me?

I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian

Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?

I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?

Morning my dudes.

Tomb = Toom

Womb = Woom

Bomb = Boom

So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*

Nothing happens

Vampire: How did you find me?!

Me: We waited outside all night for you to get back

Vampire: So it was a stakeout

Me: lmao

Vampire: lmaoooo

Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.

Eleven out of ten people are stupid.

Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.

Her: OMG I love The Rock.

Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?

If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.