Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?

You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.

Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.

i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered

If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.

“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”

[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do

I didn’t hit him with my car…

I massaged him with my wheels.

If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!

My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.

[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahaha

Colonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?

Me: Yeah why?

Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now

me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck

craps dealer: no soup at the table

[on a date]

me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?

him: CHECK PLEASE

Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget

The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER

Stop blaming everyone for all of your problems. Pick the one person you really hate and blame them for everything

6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?

Me: You have the flu.

6: I’m sick, not dead.

Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!

*sigh*
Me: thanks God!

me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty

Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together

Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.

Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.

OFFER
FINAL OFFER
BEST & FINAL OFFER
LAST & FINAL OFFER
SMART & FINAL OFFER
FINAL OFFER TOKYO DRIFT

me: I’m doing marathon training

friend: that can really help you in the long run

me: I know what it’s for

📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty

I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.

Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.

Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”

Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*

“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”

“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.

“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War