Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.

When I was a young boy the doctor told me I had a lazy eye..

by the time I was 50 it had spread to the rest of my body.

I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.

ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something

For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:

Still sucks.

[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]

“You see? She is both dead and al-”

“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”

a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.

“can you explain this gap in your employment history”

yah i was a toddler

Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.

With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.

Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.

how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?

imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait

My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.

I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape

[rap battle]

me: i do suck. i do sit in my house and watch youtube videos all day. i do get scared when i hear a loud noise

my opponent: dude i wasn’t going to say any of that shit. are you ok

God: let there be light!

vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now

I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.

I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.

🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶

If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.

wife: did you change the baby?

me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.

I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed

Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.

Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.

Me: Go home.

interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?

me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming

interviewer: no screaming

me: then it’s my calm demeanor

Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.

“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.

“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.

JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.

My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.