when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
Me: This show sucks
Boss: Again..this is a zoom meeting
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
I want to open up a Shakespeare theater in a Chinese restaurant.
Dimsummernight’s dream
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
me after drinking all the wine:
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
constantly working on myself.
A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
