Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.

[At the restaurant]

Her: Can you pass the salt, please?

Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.

In hell, every bite of steak tastes like kale.

My husband obviously loves my style, anytime I say “How do I look?” He doesn’t even have to look at me, he just replies “Gorgeous.”

so logan paul and jake paul are different people?

I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.

I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.

Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?

Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive

Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark

The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.

Happy Halloween!

I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭

GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..

Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom

she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout

I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.

My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.

I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”

DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”

Click on account

Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girl

Me: Okay, I can work with this.

The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”

Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.

Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.

[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis

I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub

I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation

“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies

Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower

*at family function..

*superglues jenga tower

Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!

Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.

Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie

at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations

Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.