When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
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It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
I don’t want to exacerbate things. That would just make things worse
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
So I went to the Doctors yesterday to ask him if he could give me anything for awful wind.
He handed me a kite !!
#mondaymirth
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
“YOU’RE GONNA GET THE HELL OVER HERE AND WATCH THIS CHRISTMAS MOVIE WITH US AS A FAMILY AND YOU’RE GONNA HAVE CHRISTMAS JOY!!”
– And other fun christmas things I say to my kids
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
“I licked your post.”
“You mean you liked my post?”
“No.”
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
If kids these days had a perfume, it would be called
Audacity
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.