Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo

As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order

wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing

There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.

Caveman1: look, I invent wheel

Caveman2: what we do now?

Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel

Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet

yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth

White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]

*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean

My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine

my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work

I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.

Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings

Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?

Client: sadly no. Just you.

Me:

Client: I didn’t mean it like that!

i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony

I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.

Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?

Me: Correct.

Don’t you hate it when you buy organic veggies and when you get them home you realize they’re donuts

*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*

“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”

The night before I started work at a global bird conservation charity, I had to google whether birds had teeth.

Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes

To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.

Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝

Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”

😍😂🥰😂😍

I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”

i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair

I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.

Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop

Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.