Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.

Overall productive day..

*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist

The wife and I just got divorced.

We split the house………I got the outside.

So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider

Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.

Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!

I toss and turn in bed all night like a beautiful rotisserie chicken.

wife: I’m leaving you

me: is it because I cheated on you

wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen

the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os

THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure

When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.

•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises

-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you

You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.

If you have joint pain..

You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.

I have never related to anyone more.

No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway

By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”

Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.

I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100

I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.

me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that

I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.

vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian

every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish

The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor

I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.

If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?

There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.

It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.

They should develop AI that can translate bird calls.
Call it ChatCheepyT

*gets up from couch after laying on it with eyes closed for 30 minutes*

Me: I’m going to take a nap.

Husband: Wasn’t that just what you were doing?

Me: That was a pre-nap. Time for the real thing.

gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat

gorilla optometrist: uh oh