When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
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I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd
To everyone I’ve wronged this year. Next year same time same place
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
Them: The tables have turned
Me: HOW CAN YOU TELL, THEY ARE CIRCLES
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up