When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
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Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
career fairs are such a disappointment to fair enthusiasts. “fair” is misleading. they should be called jobathons
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
Lady behind me on this @delta flight is complaining to the stewardess because they made her check her bag and there’s a ton of room.
Her husband to the stewardess: “you know she went to college with the CEO of Delta”
Stewardess: “You should have kept in touch.”
💀
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
I like crazy people until they notice me
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.