when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
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Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard cats screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. They are just probably in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
making my dog give me my pills
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
if i honk at this person maybe it will make them a better person
girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
gentlemen, hear me out
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
Dr. Pepper just unseated Pepsi as the second most popular soda in America.
Don’t tell me that getting your PhD isn’t worth it.
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”