when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
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I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”
are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
Don’t frighten the programmers!
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.