When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
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Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don’t have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.
squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
Today is the perfect day to hide Easter eggs. They’ll never expect it.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
Aaaa…CHOO!
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one