Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.

There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…

*Puts on sunglasses*

“Airline fracture”

“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities

You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.

guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-

guard 2: AAAAAAHHH

guard 1: always screams

me: doesn’t that get annoying?

guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome

[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin

And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”

Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit

My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.

She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.

Is this a threat?

[immigration hall]

Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?

Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both

[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]

Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.

I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.

I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.

We do it every night.
Annoy each other.

the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no

Me: I’m in tears

Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??

Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?

boss: can i see you in my office

me: [sheathing sword] why

*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist

Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER

I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.

*gets on knees and undoes your belt*

honestly, i need both:

Waiter: Can I see your ID?

Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.

Waiter: What would you like to drink?

Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons

Me: Like what?

Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die

Me: And what are the cons?

“You’re right, Harold. That is a nasty eye wound”. – William the Concurrer.

Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.

*sets phone on fire*

A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.

Husband: my back hurts

Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???

Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.