When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
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GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
You better watch out
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
Wife: What’s going on?
Me: Updog
Wife: Oh not that joke again
Me: Just say it!
Wife: Fine, what’s updog?
Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house
Wife: Holy shit
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*