Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.

Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.

Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.

Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?

Order here:
More here:

Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited

My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward

*gets called abnormal*

*checks for normal abs*

If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.

It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime

Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that

I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.

Bladder: I have to go

Laziness: Hang in there, champ

You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?

Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.

“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”

#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes

[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seek

me: nice to meet you

voice from behind the photocopier: you too

Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?

Me: Absolutely not.

I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.

I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.

I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.

On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.

There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.

When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?

First date idea.

Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.

Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.

You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud

[at a funeral home]

ME: One death please

Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.

I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.

Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.

I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…