When I was little I asked my dad if I was adopted.
Dad: LOL! Why in the world would we have chosen you?
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(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
i like to flex on them by shrugging
You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”
magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…