Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me

Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.

Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.

Everyone:

Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.

*At the couch store

“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”

I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)

Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.

My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.

me: *at home* how was your day, how was school
my kid: *crickets*

me: *driving in heavy traffic*
my kid: who discovered infinity, what’s the capital of sri lanka, why do teenagers say skibidi rizz ohio, if jesus was born in year 0 was it year 1 just 6 days later

Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?

they should invent more hobbies for people without skills or patience

Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?

Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.

“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”

Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner

This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun

Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese

Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.

Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?

Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.

a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”

People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be

I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.

Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.

Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids

Husband: What’s the nightmare part?

That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.

Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.

me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast

These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.

I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:

a) that we were racing,

And more importantly,

b) that I won.

cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor