When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
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“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
Darth Vader: I am your father
Odin: I am the all-father
God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit
Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG