When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
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Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
Optional boss fight.
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
Your fav movie?
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: It
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
*sails into the Bermuda Triangle and disappears*
*an hour later*
7yo: Oh, there you are. Can I play video games?
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
Best misinterpreted text ever!
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
my 15 yo doesn’t understand why he gets diarrhea after he eats only Pepperoni sandwiches, ramen noodles and 37 pizza bagels every day. It’s a real damn mystery.
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
Stonehinge
😂🍻
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.