Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Detective: how were u able to do it?

Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder

It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.

Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat

RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers

my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers

[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunter

Daughter: So I gather

Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.

[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”

like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.

You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.

“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”

I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble

“Dave, don’t, he ain’t worth it bro”

Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos

Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.

Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.

One more Forever that didn’t last.

There are only certain men who can pull off a mustache. The ones with removable mustaches.

Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.

Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.

I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.

Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles

Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.

Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname

me working on my assignments ^-^

just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant

[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand

When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.

I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them

My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.

I got an email from Nigerian spinach.

You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.