Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings

I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.

Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.

I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.

Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?

“I’LL BE BACH.”

“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”

Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?

*the sky turns red and warm*

Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme

Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf

I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…

If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.

Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.

THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?

Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.

her: isn’t my baby beautiful

me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…precious

her: you said all of that out loud

[friend’s house]

ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?

FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.

If the government wants me to work so bad then they should give me a job at the unemployment office

Your perfume smells like a funeral parlor. What’s it called? In Loving Memory by Calvin Klein?

Me: What’s for dinner?

Her: Chinese.

Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.

*catches duck
*fires up juicer

I basically called this earlier today

If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”

Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.

My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.

its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.

wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table

me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training

After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.

girl: i’m way into philosophy

me: who is ur favorite philosopher

girl: Hume

me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher

The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.

Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?

I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.

I’m doing Bikram yoga today.

By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.

Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.