When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
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Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
My husband keeps borrowing and losing my tweezers, so I’m naming this chin hair after him
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
If I win the lottery I’m buying four politicians and some really nice shoes.
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*