When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
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Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!
Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
[first date]
Him: I love Asian girls
Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eyeHim: No, not like that
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.