Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.

commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today

me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression

I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it

‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.

‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.

I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice

Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁

I have a new favorite conspiracy theory

I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state

I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.

[restaurant]

WAITER: are you ready to order

DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew

WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it

DAD:

WAITER:

DAD: i’ll have the chicken

My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.

How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?

Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.

Overheard:

The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.

Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.

What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare

My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.

Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.

I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.

Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.

Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?

Me: *holding milkshakes* what

Waking up extra early gives you more time and helps you focus. On all that extra time you could have been asleep.

Smallpox sounds so adorable

Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.

While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.

When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.

Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?

ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*

STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?

ME: deep tissue massage

CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security

Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry