Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.

My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.

But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.

Me: it was my grandmother’s ring

Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful

Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress

Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?

The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.

{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.

fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably

Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.

Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.

Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.

“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”

–Cats

[Preparing for a heist]

Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?

Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo

Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.

The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.

Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.

I’m ready for Halloween this year

I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.

The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space

He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?

Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?

Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve

friend: our baby was a surprise

me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how

Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.

Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.

My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.

THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat

-It’s raining men.

So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.

Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go

A really good magician could be living in your house and you would never know.

[date]

him: I loved Captain Marvel.

me: Me too!

him: What was your favorite part?

me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling

9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?

Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.

9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!

Just did a big green poo by a canal

Me: *points at romantic relationships*

God: *slaps my hand* NO